Queering Chemsex

Different but Same; Same but Different

Drugs and sex? Viv says everybody’s doing it. Well… lots of us anyway.

I woke to a dense, cracking sound – like something heavy had shattered nearby. It was almost 5:00AM and I’d clearly flailed in my sleep and knocked something off the bedside table. In complete darkness, I fumbled towards the sound, when it hit: the smell. Halfunconscious, I could only think: “Petrol? Chemical Thing? What’s happening?!?”

I did what a normal human does when you smell something and aren’t sure what it is: I took a really, really deep breath through my nose, with my head dangling upside down over the side of the bed in the general direction of the smell.

And now for my first piece of “expert” advice on drugs and sex: Do Not Do That.

Do not shatter an almost-full bottle of amyl and unknowingly inhale the fumes with your head upside down while you’re half asleep. You’re welcome.

“People think only cis gay men use amyl and that’s just baffling. It makes your body relax and makes fucking feel different. People with vaginas use it too because it can relax your body and you can take more. When you’re being fisted it can be amazing (not to mention that everybody has a butt. Some women have anal sex, too. Hello!).” -cis queer woman, 37

There’s definitely a preconception that only gay men use drugs for or during sex. Most people consider amyl, for example, as purely a “gay sex” drug and even the term “chemsex” – meaning using drugs (usually crystal meth, but really any drug) as a part of sex – is considered to belong solely to gay men’s sexual cultures and lives. And yes, there are definitely statistics to support chemsex being popular with gay, bi and queer men – but it’s not the whole story.

There are two really important myths that, like that bottle of near-full amyl by my bed, need to be shattered. But let’s do it safely and leave a window open.

1 - NO ONE IS HAVING CHEMSEX IN A BUBBLE!

If you are having chemsex in a bubble, then I apologise for erasing your experience and I strongly advise considering your ventilation options and being wary of hills.

In this case, the bubble is a metaphor. What I mean is that there’s a misconception out there that gay men only have sex with other gay men and that chemsex experiences are limited to certain scenes, venues, and (often stereotyped) “types” of men.

In actual fact, queer communities are a lot more mixed than many people realise and sometimes we are in the same spaces, at the same parties – and having the same kinds of sex.

“There’s literally nothing out there that talks to me as a non-binary person who has sex in the gay community (and in the queer community). I think there’s this imaginary world everyone believes in where only cis gay/bi men have sex while they’re high or at sex clubs and stuff. It’s just not true. First of all, it’s not just cis gay men in those spaces. And secondly, other queers are using and fucking. We just might be less visible.” -non-binary, transmasculine, queer, 27

The 2018 SWASH report – a health survey run every two years in Sydney - showed that 27% of women and non-binary people connected to the LGBTQ community have had sex with a gay or bisexual man, and in the last six months 45% have used one or more illicit drugs. That’s almost half of us. (SWASH doesn’t ask about amyl use, but I am not the only queer woman who has it on their bedside table. Or had it, rather. I don’t have any at the moment, of course. See above).

And this leads us to our second myth-shattering...

2 - OTHER PEOPLE USE DRUGS DURING, OR SPECIFICALLY FOR SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

Chemsex being a thing that only cis-gay man do? Yep, it’s a myth! People of all genders and sexualities use drugs to enhance the sex they’re having. That includes lesbian and bisexual women (trans and cis) and trans men and non-binary people of all kinds of sexualities. Queer, pan, bi, demi: the choice to use drugs during and/or for sex isn’t limited to cis gay men – it’s just they have a much more visible culture of it.

According to SWASH 2018, more than a few of us are using drugs before or during sex, most commonly ecstasy, but quickly followed by methamphetamines. More of us said we used cocaine during sex than alcohol.

In a recent article for Archer magazine, Nancy Sinclair wrote: “The biggest difference between our drug-use and that of gay men is that when it comes to queer women and trans and non-binary folk, no-one’s talking about it.”

Talking is key.

When you mix sex and drugs, it’s important to try to be as open as possible with your partners, lovers, and hook-ups. Consent, boundaries, care – none of these stop mattering when you’re high (or drunk, for that matter), so talking before, during and after about what you want and about what you don’t want; about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good, is really important.

If you can, make a plan! (I am so sorry for rhyming):

“The first time I tried MDMA I was absolutely terrified even though I really wanted to try it with sex (because people say it’s amazing). I’m on all these meds and just had zero idea what would happen. I actually asked my (very gay-friendly) GP if there was any risk of interaction and he basically said, “We have no idea what’s in the MDMA you’d be taking, so there’s always risk. We can’t know in advance.” So I asked my girlfriend to take it with me at home and we invited other people over and kinda made a night of it. It was a really, really safe way to try it because one of us stayed sober and took care of us all. And the sex with everyone was good. It’s a bit blurry, but I’m 90% sure it was very good.” -cis lesbian woman, 24

“I used to love having sex on cocaine until one all-night fuck when I woke the next day and really, really hurt. I was bleeding a bit – I kept wanting more at the time (more fingers, hands) and I remember definitely saying yes a lot and asking for more – but the next day. Ouch. Everything was fine, but I couldn’t have sex for weeks afterwards. It’s like it made me really want everything but I was kinda numb as well? Most of the time vaginas do heal from those little tears and I know they can happen without coke – but maybe I would have asked for a glove and more lube if I’d been a bit less numb/high? Actually, planning ahead sounds like a good idea now I think of it. Lol.” -non-binary lesbian/queer woman, 43

I know “planning ahead” isn’t the sexiest of phrases, and I think “Sexy Anticipatory Strategies for Sexual Satisfaction” (or “SASSS”) unfortunately isn’t catching on no matter how many times I say it, but drugs can change our perception of what’s happening to our bodies so planning ahead (or “SASSSing” if you will) can be really useful. Even the simplest strategy of taking condoms, gloves and lube with you can limit any potential day-after-woe.

 With all that, I think the single piece of advice I’d want to give my community – and my younger self – is this: we need to talk about what’s happening in our life with people we trust, and listen without judgement when they tell you what’s happening in theirs.

Talking to your partners and lovers and hook-ups is essential. But sharing your stories and experiences with each other, giving advice, offering to be there to talk things through if you’re not having a good time anymore (or to be there to talk when you’ve had a great time) – these are the things that will keep us safe and connected and help us live and lust and play without regret.

And keep your amyl bottle somewhere safe! 

Thank you to the anonymous friends and chosen family who shared their stories for this piece | Viv McGregor If you’re LGBTIQ and you or anyone you care about is worried about drug or alcohol use, check out PivotPoint.org.au for resources and support. If you live in NSW, call ACON on (02) 9206 2000 to ask about counselling, referrals or other support services for our communities