Being disrespected by the doctor

Siobhan explains why she will not accept disrespect from health professionals any more

I'm currently on methadone, and I don't go to a clinic, I go to a GP and pick up from a chemist. The chemists are legends, they are beautiful. The doctor probably should not have gone into the helping professions really. I'm not sure if it's his overall bedside manner, I suspect that's not great, but I suspect the fact that I'm on methadone didn’t help.

This experience floored me: My mother died last Christmas. In February, I flew to Melbourne to stay with a friend. Had to obviously organise my methadone for down in Victoria. I was running late, I missed my plane at lunchtime, was getting the evening plane and therefore I had to get the doctor to make a phone call to the chemist and ask them to add an extra day. It would take just a few minutes.

I rang him, I apologized for the inconvenience. I said, “I missed my plane. Could you please call the chemist.” Two minutes work. His answer was, and it was in the most patronising tone, like a father talking down to a child, “How could you possibly miss your plane? That's ridiculous, who misses a plane?”

I was just stunned into silence because of the tone of voice. And I apologised. And anyway, and there was silence and he sensed the silence and he followed that up with: “Well, now that your mother's died, someone's got to tell you.” And there was more silence at my end. And I just said thank you very much and hung up. And I was going to have a chat to him when I got back. But I couldn't be bothered because he's easy in some ways. You know, I don't have to do urines.

So it ended up being a strategic decision not to confront him. He's expedient for me. He's an easy doctor to have. And I weighed up, you know, what I would be losing and what I would be gaining. And I thought, bugger it. But the patronisation! I bet my left arm that he would not have said anything like that to one of his Potts Point lahdidah patients. Even just repeating the story makes me burn. I was quite floored. That was probably the worst lack of professionalism that I've had with a doctor.

Another example of disrespectful treatment: I had a perforated ulcer when I was finishing my degree, and I ended up having to have 4 operations and going to hospital 14 times. I would try and indicate to them which vein to use and which vein to essentially just not bother with. Some doctors listened, others just would not listen.

Their attitude was, “She's just a junkie or an idiot, she doesn't know.” And so I had to tolerate their attempts at numerous sites that I knew wouldn't work and sure enough, didn't work. You know, a lot of pain and discomfort then they'd lug out the friggin X-ray type machine for veins. And I'm saying: “Try this one here. Try this one,” indicating a vein. But they respond, “Oh, no, no, no, that one won't work because blah, blah blah.” I said, “Please just try it!”

And sure enough, eventually they try it and in it goes, first go. I inject which means I fuck around with my veins on a regular basis — I know what works and what doesn't. My reluctance to go to doctors is partly because of the inevitable blood test that they want to have, for cholesterol and whatever. It is always such a fraught experience. Really, it is, and I hate it.

I enter the room or I begin a consultation with a health professional as an adult kind of person: fairly neutral, neither strong nor weak. But the minute I sense judgment, it's like I deflate. For all of my life from 19, when I started using, until the last doctor's visit, it's that sense of deflation, incompetence and a chronic background shame.

It sort of hooks into this question that I think all judgmental people who are not substance users have in the forefront of their mind, “Why can't you just stop? All this shit is causing in your life, all the shit you're causing to other people, all it will take is to stop using. Why can't you stop?”

But if I want a proper sort of medical assessment, I have to tell them that I'm using and what I'm using, then how much. And that's always a hideous experience, unless it's a service set up just for people who use drugs like KRC in Kings Cross.

And I've bought into that, or have in the past, and judged myself very harshly. In the past, not anymore.

Read more: If you found Siobhan’s thoughts on stigma in the health system useful, read Molly and Wayne share their experiences and ideas.