Grieving

Grief and Drug Use

People who use drugs, particularly people who use opioids, sometimes experience a great deal of trauma and loss. This trauma and loss is often not taken seriously. We often lack the support we need because the loved ones we lose are criminalised and “brought it on themselves”.

The lack of support can be compounded by our own feelings of guilt and blame. We often believe we could have done more to prevent the death: “If only I had been home, if only I had answered the phone, if only I had kept an eye on them, or done that naloxone course...”

We blame ourselves and often family blame partners and friends who use for the death. Long-term partners have found themselves denied access to the support and comfort that in-laws would usually provide. Instead, they can be made to feel responsible for the death and estranged family members have used the partner’s drug use to take control of the funeral arrangements, despite being less close to the person who has died.

The trauma that psychologists tell us we may experience after an unexpected death of a loved one can also be made worse by giving evidence to the police or coroner. Death of a young person or parent can affect us most deeply.

Grief is normal and there are many ways people grieve, but it can sometimes become out of whack and we can feel we lose ourselves in mourning. Sometimes we try to cope by using more, drinking more or both – even if we have been abstinent or under control before the death.

Grief and Misunderstanding

As drug users, with other agencies in our lives, we sometimes find ourselves in conflict with family when our partner dies, a situation that can be harder when there are cultural differences.

Melinda told User’s News of her experience when her partner died:

“In my husband’s culture and religion, it is right to have an open casket. But the FACS worker told me it was inappropriate for our children to see that. I was given this choice: close the coffin or don’t have the children at their father’s funeral. I had to respect his parents, so the children didn’t get to say good-bye to their father. The FACS worker had already told me I should be glad he was dead, as he was out of my life and I was likely to get the kids restored now. To them he was a drug dealer and yes, we had a complicated relationship. But he was my husband and the father of my children. I was in mourning. It was completely inappropriate.”

Instead of being offered support or counselling or help supporting her children, Melinda’s choices were disrespected and her trauma was dismissed.

Studies show that women are more likely to experience depression and anxiety with complicated and prolonged grief. Women often invest heavily in their relationships as traditional care-givers. For women who use, stigma and discrimination play into the “you and me against the world” closeness that many of us experience with our partners. People who use drugs can experience extreme highs and lows that create strong bonds when we face them together. It all makes losing a partner particularly painful.

The impacts of grief and loss can be compounded in the Aboriginal community where half of Aboriginal men and over a third of Aboriginal women die before they reach the age of 45. It is essential that Aboriginal people be able to attend Sorry Business (culturally specific mourning), however they are often restricted by jail time, having to report and the requirements of Centrelink.

These difficulties can lead to depression, anxiety and difficulty with the experience of mourning. Billy said:

“If you don’t get to say good-bye, you feel depressed, especially if it is close family. You can even feel suicidal because you want to be with them and if you can’t get to the funeral you want to be with them in death. If you don’t get to a funeral you are stuck in that moment, you can’t move forward with your own life.”

It’s Not Just About You

If you feel that the family is trying to cut you out of the mourning process, try to remember that everyone is doing the best they can at the time. They may be caught in shock and denial, or in their own pain and guilt which they are trying to pass onto someone else. They may be striking out in response to their own feelings of anger and powerlessness.

For Aboriginal people, balancing the need to attend the funeral against the wishes of the family can be tough.

Joe advised:

“If the family are blaming you or thought you didn’t treat the person well, they may not want you at the funeral. The trick is to not put yourself on show. Don’t go alone, go with other relatives or friends and be very respectful and quiet – maybe sit at the back. It’s not about you, it’s about paying your respects.”

Take Care of Yourself

Grief can be hard on your health and everyone grieves in different ways. Keep your normal routine up if you can – it can be very grounding to keep up your usual patterns. Try to eat healthily. If you are having trouble sleeping, try increasing your exercise so you are physically tired at the end of the day. Or you could try some basic meditation like counting your breath or tightening and releasing your muscles.

Notice if the way you are using or drinking changes. You may have given yourself permission to behave differently to compensate and help cope with the grief, but decide what the limits are and when you need to pull back again. Know your limits and when you are safe, and be ready to take steps to change things if you are going too far.

Mourn Your Own Way

It can really help to mourn in your own special way, especially if you have been locked out of the funeral and family rituals. Plan your own memorial service with friends or make up your own special tribute.

Recently at NUAA, we had a memorial event and everyone who came took home a plant as a remembrance of those we were mourning. Mourning rituals can help people to mentally process the death and their loss.

NUAA also participates in Overdose Remembrance Day (21 July) and Overdose Day (31 August) to acknowledge the loved ones we have lost to the war on drugs. We hold a gathering or event that includes wearing a silver ribbon (upside-down) and rituals like writing names and messages on hearts or stones and displaying them. We include practical things like naloxone training and passing out drug testing kits. Our last Overdose Day we included videos of people talking about their personal experiences of overdose.

Here are some other ideas:

• Hold a gathering and remember your loved one by playing their favourite music or watching their favourite movie.
• Post their favourite songs on Facebook – one a day for a month
• Hold a memorial Facebook event – invite friends to each add a post. They could link to a favourite song, movie, book, cartoon or conspiracy theory. They could post a photo or story or poem. Make it as open or closed as you want.
• Print post cards to pass around. If they were creative, use one of their artworks or poems or a photo of them. You can print their name, birth and death dates and a message on the back. You can get 50 for about $15.
• Wear their favourite colour for a month.
• Display all the presents they ever gave you in your lounge and invite people over for a “viewing”.
• Get a memorial tattoo.
• If there are children involved, think of some age-appropriate tributes you can do with them, like dancing to a selection of Mum’s favourite songs, making a booklet with Dad’s best “Dad jokes”, sewing a cushion cover out of Mum or Dad’s favourite t-shirt/s for kids to sleep with or making a necklace out of some left-behind earrings to wear.
• Props to the Mum who got her son’s friends to cover his shroud with painted hand prints and graffiti his car and coffin for the funeral – a wonderful way to celebrate a life and help everyone find peace.

Give Yourself Time

Try not to make any major changes right away, even around getting rid of their possessions. Let yourself grieve, don’t expect you will be fixed up quickly. You will never “get over” the loss, but you can learn to live with it. The timeline of intense grief can be very individual.

You can try to avoid feeling grief by using, rearranging the furniture or going to Timbuktu. But there will be times that you just have to sit with the pain. You won’t be able to do anything to change it, you will just have to feel it. It is ok to be sad, lonely, angry and depressed, just remember it will lessen eventually.

Embrace Life

Your friend, partner or family member may be gone, but you are still here. You have lost someone close to you, but it is important to be with other loved ones in your life and show them you appreciate them.

Look after yourself. Do some things you enjoy, even if you don’t really feel like doing them. Have a bubble bath. Get a massage. Move your body. Treat yourself to a little gift, even if it’s spending $5 at the op shop. Some people find it helpful to imagine that this is like a gift from the loved one who died. Go out with friends. Learn something new. Take an emotional risk. Make a friend. Make space for hope.

Further reading: Dove’s story — Loving and Losing Ronnie