Sisyphus

A poem by Rhosa

She is a high functioning person with generalized anxiety and depression, rooted in PTSD.
That high functioning is hyper vigilance. It is survival. The pathways for which were laid down many decades before.
She is a high functioning daily drinker. An “alcoholic”.
That is a coping mechanism that serves to both fill a void while also blocking out.
She is resilient. She is resourceful. She is clever. She is capable. She is knitting together her own safety net. She is surviving.
She is tired, in her soul. She is scared that if she stops, she may never start again.
Sometimes she yearns for the kind of rest that is eternal. She is scared that if she stops, she may never start again.
She knows that it won't always be this way. She has told others many times and the mantra oft repeated to herself.
She is truly grateful for the connections of community and friends and love that is in her life.
But the pain, the effort, the struggle, the hardwork is epic. She is Sisyphus.
She is scared that if she stops, she may never start again.
She sees good and beauty and laughter in the world.
She is kindness and passion and love.
At her core she is hope.