Domestic Disharmony: The relationships between drug use and domestic violence
How do you know if a relationship is headed for disaster or if you are in danger? And what can you do about it? Kai Noonan, ACON’s expert in domestic violence, talks about abuse in a way that applies to relationships between people of all genders and sexualities.
Drugs and partner abuse – what does it all mean?
There are more studies on the relationship between domestic violence and drug use than we can count. Research studies claim that people who use drugs are 3 to 6 times more likely to be abused by their partner. But we know it’s a lot more complex than that. Domestic abuse happens in all sorts of relationships and can be enough to drive anyone to self-medicate.
When drug use is added to a relationship with someone who wants control, its illegal nature means that people can be scared to get help from the authorities and stigma means that people who use drugs are often not believed. Not to mention that there are issues around blurred boundaries and lowered inhibitions. Sadly, people who are drug dependent can be blackmailed in all sorts of ways - whether it’s shaming and stigmatising; withholding or controlling drugs or money; using drug use as a reason to control finances or friendships; or threatening to report them to the authorities – including DCJ (aka DOCS/FACS) in the case of parents.
Domestic violence is the main cause of homelessness for women and young people. Many people will not leave an abusive relationship for fear of homelessness.
Mental health issues can at times make people more vulnerable to being abused, and abusers can use mental health issues as an excuse for their abuse.
We also know that all of these factors – domestic violence, drug use, mental health issues and homelessness – can lead to other serious health problems, such as high blood pressure, higher risk of heart conditions and strokes and a shorter life expectancy. When we look at all these things together, it becomes clear how important it is for help and support to be available for those who need it.
Does it ever feel like you’re caught in a cycle of using and abusing?
This cycle might actually be real. Some people take drugs to forget the pain of being abused. Using drugs can then make them more vulnerable to more abuse. So then they take more drugs to forget the pain of this abuse. Sound familiar?
The person abusing you may then use your drug use as a form of abuse. They can constantly put you down, saying things like ‘you’re just a junkie’, ‘you’re useless’, ‘you’re a bad parent’. They may be giving you drugs, using your dependence on drugs to control you. They may do this to keep you relying on them, or put you in another vulnerable situation so you will stay with them. Your abuser might even take advantage of you when you’re on drugs, waiting until you’re out-of-it to have sex with you or take your money.
If the person abusing you is using drugs, they may use the drugs as an excuse for their violence. Saying ‘I only hurt you when I’m on drugs’, ‘I don’t remember hurting you cause I was wasted’ or ‘as soon as I stop using I’ll treat you better’.
But there is no excuse for abusing someone you love. If a partner only seems to abuse you when they use drugs, then it is their responsibility to stop using drugs around you. Although drugs don’t cause abusive behaviours, they definitely can make the abuse more frequent and more violent. In other words, drugs can add fuel to the fire.
What are the warning signs that your partner is abusive?
Sometimes it is very obvious when a partner is abusive. You are most likely in an abusive relationship if: your partner hurts you, insults you, or makes you do things that you don’t want to do; you are afraid of your partner; or if you feel like you are always ‘walking on eggshells’ or tip-toeing around them.
These are just the most obvious signs of an abusive relationship. Sometimes it may not be immediately obvious, especially in a new relationship. If you’re not sure if you are in an abusive relationship, try answering these questions to find out:
Since being with your partner, has your self-esteem gotten worse?
Does your partner take their bad moods out on you?
Does your partner make all the decisions?
Does your partner try to change you?
Does your partner put down your friends and family and make it hard for you to see them?
Does your partner blame others for their actions? Saying that whatever bad thing happened it is the fault of their ex, the police, their boss, their family, you or anyone other than themselves?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you may need to take a good honest look at your relationship and how your partner treats you.
What should you do?
Does any of this sounds familiar? If you know or think you’re in an abusive relationship, then the first most important thing that you need to know is that you deserve to be treated better! Every living being has the right to a life free from abuse! And that includes you!
Even if you love your partner, even if they have had a hard life or are doing it tough, you still deserve better and they have no right to treat you badly. If they really do love you, they will want you to be free, happy and living your best life too.
What can you do to leave the violence? Sometimes it can mean leaving the relationship, sometimes it means leaving the relationship for a short time, or sometimes it means leaving the cycle of violence that you have found yourself caught in.
Whatever the answer is, it is best not to try to do this alone. Strong feelings like fear, love, pain and stress can make it harder to think clearly and to make wise decisions. This is why you need help from someone who is not so involved in the relationship. The best people to involve are domestic violence professionals.
Can people who abuse change?
To think of people as all good or all bad is not realistic. The person who abuses you may have a lot of good qualities. You may still have fun together, and you may of course love them. The truth is that, at the end of the day, you shouldn’t be hurt by them. If your partner really does love you, then they should want to stop hurting you.
An abuser can justify their actions by saying that they only hurt you because they were drunk/high, or because they are stressed, or because they had a hard childhood or because you made them jealous or angry. But the truth is that most people who drink or take drugs, most people who were abused as children and most people who get jealous or angry DO NOT abuse their partner. An abuser might even blame you for their addiction saying “I only use because you do”, or “I used because you made me sad/ angry”, or say things like “if you leave me, I’ll use more”.
Using abuse or violence is a choice. People use abuse to get what they want – to control you. Maybe they want to feel powerful, or to release their stress, or to make you stay with them, or some other goal. But what they really need is to learn better ways to manage their emotions and to see that they don’t have a right to get whatever they want, especially if it means hurting someone else to get it.
If you want to stay together, you need to find ways that are safe, with a focus on new ways to solve problems and continuous improvement.
People who are abusive can learn new ways to be a loving partner by attending courses (available Australia-wide) that are part of the Behaviour Change Program. Through this program, abusers learn how their behaviours hurt the people they love. They are also given the skills to act in respectful, caring ways. Most of the groups are run for men, but ACON is running them for people of all genders, who identify as LGBTIQ. For more details go to: www.sayitoutloud.org.au. There is no Behaviour Change Program for women who are not LGBTIQ, but there are services who will work with women individually. To know more about the Behaviour Change Program call the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491.
Change cuts both ways and it is important to know how to keep yourself safe while improving your relationship. People experiencing domestic abuse (as well as sexual assault and family violence) can call 1800 RESPECT for support. This service also provides counselling to the friends and family of those people, as well as workers whose job it is to support people experiencing sexual, domestic or family violence.
You might also find it useful to keep evidence of your partner’s abuse. If you’ve been using, you can’t always rely on your memory. Save/screenshot any abusive texts, and back them up in a safe place. Take photos of any injuries or items broken and save those too. Maybe you can send them to a trusted friend to keep for you. You can show this evidence to doctors, counsellors and, if need be, the police. Or you may want to collect this evidence for yourself, in case you are having any doubts later.
Need some support?
Once you decide to get help, it’s only a phone call away. Services like Rape and Domestic Violence Services Australia and 1800 RESPECT have domestic violence specialists ready to take your call. They can help you figure out if you are in an abusive relationship and the best plan to keep you safe. Both services will work with you to do what is right for you.
If you use drugs, chances are you may have second thoughts about contacting professionals. Maybe your abusive partner has even said things to you like: “no one will believe you because you’re an addict” or “if you or anyone else calls the cops they will find drugs in the house and you’ll get in trouble”. Saying these things is their way of controlling you even more and stopping you from getting the help you need. However, these services are there to help anyone who needs support leaving an abusive relationship – including people who use drugs!
Need some support? 1800 RESPECT is a sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. 1800 RESPECT is a confidential service available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
1800 RESPECT provides support for people experiencing (or who are at risk of experiencing) sexual assault, domestic or family violence. They also provide counselling to the friends and family of those people, as well as workers whose job it is to support people experiencing sexual, domestic or family violence. ‘Daisy’ is a free smartphone app that connects people experiencing violence or abuse to services in their local area. Daisy was developed by 1800 RESPECT and includes safety features to help protect the privacy of people using it. You can visit service websites from within the app, which means these sites won't show up in your browser history. This can help protect your privacy, especially if another person has access to your phone. Each listing includes information about opening times, how to get in touch and the services they offer