Pandora: Older and wiser

I have found that as I grow older, my relationship to drugs has changed.

Why? Well, I got responsibilities. Once I became a Mum and had to support a family financially and emotionally, my priorities changed. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy a taste, and sometimes I even feel like I need one. But these days I see drugs as a ‘treat’ rather than a way of life.

When I was younger, I was homeless because all my money went on coke and gear. Getting money always triggered using as a first response.

Money = drugs = money.

But once I had kids I had to learn how to manage my money or they suffered, and that just wasn’t acceptable. I didn’t give up my drugs, but I did learn how to forgo my treat if there are bills to be paid. I don’t even automatically spend any extra money that comes my way on drugs.

I actually make a decision before I use — it’s not the knee jerk reaction it used to be.

That control, along with motherhood, has made me a lot more patient. I’ve held onto my shot for a whole day until I could get home, which is something I would never have done in my younger years.

When I do use, I am also thinking of the kids. To start with, they don’t need to know about my using.

Second, I simply cannot afford to overdose or even be drug sick, and I need to keep to my routine so the boys have a stable home and a healthy mother. They are not little any more but they still need me.

That means I’m a lot more cautious with the types of drugs I use, stay mostly with gear (heroin) and stick with my known source. If I have to see someone else, I try a smaller amount first, to be sure I am not going to drop.

I don’t want you to think I have a ‘Mother of the Year’ trophy or even a ‘World‘s Best Mum’ mug. Kids aren’t the only reason my relationship with drugs has changed. To start with, I am on a methadone program and while it can be a pain in the arse, I do owe it a lot. It allowed me to transition from scoring as a necessity and being constantly broke, to scoring for pleasure when I could afford to. That helped me to get into a routine that fit with most of the rest of NSW — getting up in the morning, sleeping at night! — leading to an organised lifestyle and the means to support myself. Which all meant I have ended up a pretty good Mum (if I do say so myself), if not a perfect one!

I have also had to use differently because age has given me difficult veins, and it takes much longer to inject than it used to. I have to wait to use till I can take my time. For me, that is at home, in the safety of my locked bathroom. I can’t handle the stress of worrying about being caught if I’m taking too long in a public restroom.

Usually I wait for my shot till my boys have gone to bed or gone out. But if I’m having one of ‘those days’ and can’t wait any longer, I pretend to be taking a bath! So some things never change. Because of how we are seen by the world, we still gotta tell little white lies sometimes. No matter how capable we feel we are, or how safely we try to use, we are seen as out-of-control and out-of-place addicts with no value to society.

Now this is the best thing that has come from getting older: It’s not just my relationship to drugs that has changed, it’s my relationship to myself. I used to believe that stuff about myself, but I don’t anymore. I know the truth. I know that people who use drugs are people like anyone else and unlike anyone else. We are smart, interesting, creative and uniquely ourselves. We love our families and our friends. We work hard at our jobs. We clean the house and walk the dog. We try to be healthy. We make mistakes. We grow. We even come together as a community, and as a community, we are learning to look after each other.

I like being part of that.